Bereavement

What is it? 

When someone close to the child or young person dies. It may be a relative, carer, neighbour, teacher, friend, or pet.

What could the child/young person feel like?

A mix of emotions such as shock, anger, confusion, anxiety, mourning. A child might also feel responsible for the death of a pet, so they might be feeling anger and shame about this.

An adult who lost a loved one in childhood may have felt confused or ‘fine as a child’. They may have had to ‘get on with their lives’ and not take time to process their feelings. They may have had to look after others and so develop a character of being responsible or being silly and fun, in order for their home to be ok to live in. They may now struggle with trusting others or being close because they may have fears that the person may die. They can avoid loss and rejection and can often try and numb their feelings of pain and sadness if people around them don’t give them space to grieve.

What are the worst things we could do?

It’s really harmful to suggest that in some way they were responsible, for example, by asking if they weren’t looking after their pet properly. 

It’s important to avoid telling the child to ‘get over it’ or say that at least they have ‘_____’ (another grandparent/pet/sibling, etc) 

It’s important to avoid asking the child if they are ‘being helpful and looking after their parent’ or anything which would suggest taking on an adult responsibility of caring for someone who may also be grieving.

It is important to not rush the person. They need to grieve at their own pace and think about an speak about their loved one as much as they want to.

It is important that we don’t stop speaking about their loved on as if they never lived, but instead ask if it is ok to share a good memory that they may love about their loved one. Maybe give them aa photo and a story of something that they got up to.

It is important not to trivialise the loss by comparing it to others losses.

What are the most helpful things we can do?

Be empathetic to the child and let them cry or talk about it at their own pace and facilitate play time for the child or young person. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk to you. 

To be patient with the child or young person as they take the time they need to adjust to the change. 

Support the whole family too as it is likely to affect them all.

Give space and time for the adult who lost someone in childhood to talk but also just ‘be’ with them in their grief. Usually words are not helpful and don’t properly encapsulate a persons feelings and so creative art work can be helpful for them to express their feelings. Also kindness, cups of tea, helpful activities and fun things to do are appreciated.

Where to find more info or help