sexual abuse and rape

What is it? 

A child or young person is sexually abused when they are forced or persuaded to take part in sexual activities. This doesn't have to be physical contact and it can happen online. Sometimes they won't understand that what’s happening to them is abuse. They may not even understand that's its wrong and very often they can end up feeling that they have been naughty rather than realising that another person has been very wrong and they are not to blame. 

Rape is the act of sex, either by penetration or oral. 

How many children does this affect? 

1 in 20 children in the UK have been sexually abused

NSPCC

What could the child/young person feel like?

Whatever age they are, the person who has survived abuse can sadly often feel dirty, naughty, shame, awkward, embarrassed and very confused. The reason they don't always tell anyone is because they feel so bad and full of shame; they often think or are told that its their fault; or they are threatened with awful things if they dare to tell anyone. Also they can be so horrified and shocked by the event that they have to dissociate or separate the memories of the abuse with every day life in order to survive.

They can push down feelings of anger, disappointment, shock, horror, powerlessness and terror, turmoil, confusion. Their lives are changed.

Adult survivors of abuse have often had to go into denial and ‘forget’ what happened in order to survive their normal life and it can come back as a flashback or frightening memory when they are older, a long time after it stopped. This can be life altering and terrifying. They need a safe place to disclose what has happened and support if they choose to report it.

What are the worst things we could do?

Some children and young people can become sexualised due to what happened to them, this does not mean that they provoked or encouraged the horrific experiences but usually are shocked by them but then became aware of things that they shouldn't be aware of. They often don't know if they have been raped or abused and are often told that ‘now you have had sex people will be shocked and tell you off’. They are full of shame and need us to be curious and make them feel safe enough to tell us. 

Other children do not act sexualised but bury the experience deep down and hope they can forget it happened. For them they may be frightened of getting changed in public or people being too near them physically. They could be scared of anything.

Another difficult thing that can often occur in churches is when a helpful adult finds out that someone has been abused recently or as a child, is to encourage them to immediately forgive their abuser. Whilst we do not deny the importance of forgiveness for healing, when someone has not even remembered, felt or had their feelings validated about what has happened, any forgiveness will be compliance rather than authentic forgiveness. Please just empathise, care and show clearly that it shouldn’t have happened to them. When they have begun to process the trauma from their body and memories they can begin to think about forgiveness but to ask them or encourage them too early can be harmful.

What are the most helpful things we can do?

They must not be made to feel bad, dirty or different. We must help them feel safe and cared for so that they can feel safe enough to tell us what is happening so that we can get help. 

Adults, children and young people all need a helpful adult that they feel safe with, who they know is aware of their abuse that they did nothing wrong and the person who did it was really really naughty. They need to be reassured that children should never go through things like that and as adults our job is to keep them safe. 

Often the experience was so horrifying that the impact is deep in the subconscious and so they need to access trauma therapy to enable the non verbal experiences to be expressed, validated, acknowledged and processed.

Where to find more info or help