NEGLECT AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE
What is it?
Emotional neglect is the experience of growing up without enough emotional connection, validation for emotions and a feeling of being deeply known, seen and heard. Often this is due to having emotionally frozen parents or emotionally immature parents or parents who are struggling with their own life and mental health.
Emotional abuse is the use of the relationship to manipulate, coercively control, bully, tease, or any other way of using their power to dominate the child growing up.
What could the son or daughter feel like?
They could feel like they are not known, not seen or heard. this can make them feel like they don’t have any space and may make them feel like they shouldn’t take up any space. They may struggle to share their thoughts or have an opinion that may make them stand out. They may be compliant or quiet or try and control others around them. They may feel unloveable and rejected and have given up on making authentic relationships because they don’t really know how to. They may have had to repress all their negative feelings which may lead them to either dissociate and be ‘in their world’ or to be more sensitive to sudden experiences of rejection or abandonment or being misunderstood.
They may feel unloved, lonely, sad, misunderstood and rejected.
what are the worst things we can do?
Ask the parent questions about their relationship with the child because that can make the adult lie and then be angry at the child.
Reject the child- even as a joke.
Misuse the power you are given when the child is compliant and desperate to please you.
Choose the emotionally neglected child last or not remember them.
Focus on how brilliant the child’s parents are in front of others.
What can we do to help them?
We can make sure that we spend time with them in a way that is emotionally connecting- really making sure you make space for them to listen, see and hear them. Try really hard to make them feel known and celebrated for their unique ideas and opinions so they feel able to be confident to express and explore their unique thoughts.
Realise that if they share an idea that is unsupported by others, they will need some support from you as an adult as they may expect to be told off or told to be quiet.
Make sure that they have the time and space to ask you any questions that they may be too afraid to ask their parents about how the world works, questions about their school friendships or other areas of concern.
Just you noticing them, being pleased to see them, listening to them with eye contact and real interest, being concerned about them when they are not there, celebrating them for anything they have done well and being emotionally safe for them is life changing.